Itinerant

Itinerant
Etymology:
Late Latin itinerant-, itinerans, present participle of itinerari to journey, from Latin itiner-, iter journey, way; akin to Hittite itar way, Latin ire to go — more at issue

: traveling from place to place; especially : covering a circuit
Date:
circa 1576

This word so describes me on so many levels. Physically, mentally, spiritually, romantically, everything is enroute to another destination. If it were any more swift or grueling I would have to decline. It's meaning and timbre is completely unfamiliar, uncommon to my people, my family, myself. My chaplain/counselor helps me to understand that this is a place I did not ask for but arrived at. Life has brought these questions to me. Their candor uncovers and embarrasses me in this present place. How could I be so unhappy and call it the truth simultaneously. I reflect some years back to a family camp we attended with our church. SSSOOOOO UNhappy was me. I remember at that time being under so much personal marital duress I was grasping and clawing at anything just to find peace. I remember finding some narrow space between mind and life encounters were I wasn't thinking. It was in this narrow spiritual place I thought if only I can stay in this narrow space, between my pain and what I am and what Christianity tells me to be I will be able to maintain my marriage. I produced a painting illustrating this called "The Narrow Gate." I tried to make the title mean more than what I felt to be aspiring to Christianity. The title somehow mimicked some scripture in order to further validate the concept but all it really was, was the space in which I could find a place of peace in my marriage as a christian that was nearly impossible to reach or sustain. It was sheer mental space between my ears. Quiet space. As I expressed it further at a public gathering at family camp I described it as having hope because I knew that someday it would be over and I would be away and in heaven. I was shunned for having wept opennly exposing my grief and told to get anti-depressants. My husband was embarrassed. Maybe I was going to lose it anyway.

What the F. I find it maddening and all sort of weird and programmed the further away I go. In principal it's good but distorted in reality. Huminahumina...

Still sad in some way not sure why from day to day so many issues have erupted for me. Things I have to identify and show respect for within myself in order to regain my livelyhood. What does it matter anyway. I left out of respect for you and I left out of respect for me. Now I have to sort and reapproach what I think about these things I have chosen and left.

Renee'