Supplant

I still wonder if I my choice was in vain. I remember myself thinking so many times my own rules for indecision. One was if I couldn't make a decision then the answer is no. If I can't decide, it's no for now. Another was to flip a coin. I never could do it regarding one certain roadblock of indecision, I was sure the coin would come up heads if I had said heads and I'd have to return to what I had fled from. I was sure it would tell me go home. So why wouldn't I exercise my simple personal guidelines. I couldn't decide to leave and I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to flip the coin and see it say hey see, here's what you wanted to know, here you go, now move back home. I would not again receive the bridle.

Everyday I flash to a little something here or there about my choice. Today it was about the fact that I had given up the relationship I know could have succeeded in remaining married until death. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. It was never boring it was present. We were always yanking at each other, yammering, poking fun and rubbing each other the wrong way. Mostly me getting rubbed the wrong way. My spouse doing all the yanking, yammering and poking.

So what is this supplanting, what am I supplanting. A different way. A fuller expression of me for the cornered static bound one. IT IS SOOOOO, SOOOOOO, VERY PAINFUL! As I see more clearly, I recognize the fact that I have created a position of absolute opposition to the way I had agreed and been promised too.

I did flip the coin. It was 5 months after the divorce and it did come up heads like I said but maybe I finally willed it to do that with all my own anguish. I guess I did make the decision because I did leave and now am akin to the persuasion of my own mind to rest and wait.

SupplantFunction: verb
Text: to take the place of — see replace 1