What do I believe?

A few years back I left my marriage to try to make sense of what "I thought" happiness was supposed to be. I woke up very early one Saturday morning to a voice that was as audible as someone speaking out loud, my inner voice speaking loudly to myself. I heard it say "I'm going to leave this guy" and knew it was the truth. My heart started to pound. These were not easy words to hear. As a woman, as a mother and a christian these words shook my world. 24 hours later I began to leave. This was no act of faith on my part. This was an act of will. There was no consolation for getting divorced in the Bible so I lost faith for a while because I couldn't move forward in it. I was frightened, at times terrified at what might befall me having made this choice. I literally I broke my own heart in the life I had invested so I wouldn't lose my mind. During that time I even went so far as to pose an option to myself like you could leave your husband or you could leave Christianity and stay married and maybe that would work but inside I knew it wasn't the answer to peace either. Consequently, I ended up leaving both.

How could I leave someone for my own happiness. For a lot of people this is easy. They just turn and walk away and demolish their past like it's nothing. But it haunts me, it revisits me over and over like waves on a shore. Like a silent movie with no sound I am straining to be at rest with what I have chosen. What is the matter with me? Why can't I let this thing go?! It feels like the most selfish thing I've ever done.

Such a fine wife I made. Why did I leave? I left because I felt alone. I was living inside of myself, functioning inside the relationship. This still small place cramped in the middle of this fantastic family.  I was on the margins, the epitome of goodness. It was my display of devotion, and it was from the heart but it did not include me. I had had difficulty with Christianity from the beginning. I remember early on in the 1st and 2nd year encountering lose of identity in the most devastating way being swept into a cult. Another time giving in to depression caused by the divide in what I was trying to be and who I was on a very organic level, in the matrix of being that I am.  So I counseled twice for those 2 things, counseled again when I found myself falling in love with my former husband and began to gain some insight into the issue.

At another moment time I was going to leave my family because I felt I was going to have a total breakdown. All the hours alone with small babies were so long and late into the night but God in his mercy changed their fathers work schedule that very same dayand I gained some relief. I never thought about divorce. It was not within my principles of faith, never in my conversations for many reasons. We were raising children having a great family life and  divorce was not biblical. As for partnership we were somewhat at odds with each other over my artistic career, homeschooling and all my alternative beliefs that were challenges and him leaving the creative field for financial reasons and unobtained opportunities.

Finally, I chose to stop thinking about all I believed and made an "illegal u turn" in the middle of my life, pushed a grocery cart out into traffic as a distraction and left. Keeping what I knew of God as being an emphatically loving entity I pushed all of my beliefs aside in order to move forward and haven't turned back. It is my belief that He will bring this thing full circle and bring me back into relationship with new understanding. Not saying it has been easy or I never have doubts and wonder if this whole thing is going to fly back in my face like a grenade!? So far it has supported me this wonderful, purposeful, painful reconciliation of me to my own life. In the end I realized I never left God but left the rules and regulations of a Christian life in order to live my life. After all...  it is mine to live.

Periculum

Yesterday I had reached the end of my wits at this job, I feel like I am stuck. I stated, "something has to change, something just has to change".


I had an amazing dream this morning, the stars streaming towards me from the dark, a gigantic fish (carp?) swimming at me through the air, coming below my naked body and making love to me transferring something to me in the form of direction, abundance and great success.  As I am revisiting this astonishing dream I hear and see this word in my mind. It is so unfamiliar I am not even sure how to spell it, I thought it was perniculum, but turned out to be periculum. For some reason I think maybe it is one of those little conductor wands or one of the teacher witches wand from Harry Potter.  This seems to fit what the meaning is I glean from this word although it is not the wand itself. The wave of the wand that relieves me from performing some duty of obligation, the conductor orchestrating the combination of circumstances that make it possible all an act of God.

Next day...I believe it was a guide, my animal guide. 

Pe`ric´u`lum
n. 1. (Rom. & O.Eng. Law) Danger; risk.
2. In a narrower, judicial sense: Accident or casus, as distinguished from dolus and culpa, and hence relieving one from the duty of performing an obligation.

Ca´sus
n. 1. An event; an occurrence; an occasion; a combination of circumstances; a case; an act of God. See the Note under Accident.

Gravity

It has been more than two years now since I was divorced, more than 4 since I moved out of my home which I still own with my former spouse. I will call him Don for posterity’s sake. I am still trying to come to terms with it, the death and loss of faith side by side with the gain of freedom and expression. I have been trying to sort out my grief for a long time. Trying to navigate that has been like going through the Grand Canyon or a wadi* where you can be swept away by torrential rain fall without warning. At times I wonder if my grief will ever subside. And then there is the guilt. I have finally made peace with leaving Don "wifeless", I guess that is one advance. I still have guilt over leaving Don and the children motherless when they are together and I have NO peace about my two children having to go back and forth from the father’s house to mine every 3 1/2 days being shared living in two homes. Fuck.

I was crying randomly about a week or so ago about my divorce. I have been trying to go into this sorrow and sort it out. A comment of my current companion stood out to me that I still have issues with my ex. This is obvious but it was catalyst enough to get me looking and listening within myself for more specific details.
I use lucid dreaming to my advantage when I can for creative ideas, communicating with subconscious parts and just for fun. I used it to explore this issue and saw this image of myself curled up inside of a clear cylindrical glass vase.  I realized Don is the container and I can't recover.  I am scared to death to let go of him, really scarred. I love you.  I never really felt ok about getting divorced because I couldn’t get myself to say yes, but, I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t able to choose to leave. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer then I left.  But I always had this one rule of thumb that I used that I didn’t follow that was if I couldn’t decide to do a thing or not that it meant no I wasn't ready. I also used to flip a coin with my kids a lot and I wasn't willing to do that either. I just didn’t want to go back.

I am afraid to let him go but I am gone. I left, I don't get it?

These are my thoughts.
R

*Wadi (Arabic: وادي‎ wādī; also: Vadi) is the Arabic term traditionally referring to a valley. In some cases, it may refer to a dry riverbed that contains water only during times of heavy rain or simply an intermittent stream. Wadis, cut by stream in a desert environment, generally are dry year round except after a rain. The desert environment is characterized by a sudden but infrequent heavy rainfall often resulting in flash floods. Crossing wadis at certain times of the year can be dangerous because of unexpected flash floods. Job speaks of his friends whom he calls brothers as being like these wadis. The Jewish Study Bible transliterated the word "brook" in Job 6:15 for the word "wadi". The commentator notes, "Wadi, a seasonal stream that may be dangerously overflowing in winter and dry in summer"

Unravel

I have been having this series of dreams that has the same sequence repeating itself 3 or 4 times in a row with the same circumstances going on but getting more complicated and more difficult with each succession. The last one I woke up to be relieved I could get out of it was so tiring. Tiring because I couldn't get past the problem. It just kept getting more and more complicated and more threatening to my health.

The last time I had the dream with the repeating seqence there was this young man, average height, fairly slender, dark hair, quiet and intelligent. He was in the second sequence putting something together or organizing something when I walked by and noticed him. He was wearing black. I passed by him again in the fourth sequence. He was going about doing the same thing but he had on a purple suit. I wanted him to notice I had noticed him and so I said, "it is nice to see you again."

Random reading-

It felt like the end of the only love affair I had ever had and that I had lost my very soul.

Madness is the state of chaos we enter when "the center does not hold," when our instinctual foundations lose their harmonious balance. When it is effective against the potential chaos of the unconscious, self always functions as the organizing and balancing constituent of the psyche, although it may be represented by a variety of mythological images: Zeus, Tao, atman, Holy Ghost, mandalas, etc.

nu⋅mi⋅nous-adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or like a numen; spiritual or supernatural.

2. surpassing comprehension or understanding; mysterious: that element in artistic expression that remains numinous.

3. arousing one's elevated feelings of duty, honor, loyalty, etc.: a benevolent and numinous paternity. Origin: 1640–50; <>

Color, like everything else in your dream is there to heal you,to guide you, as an expression of your reaction to the subject matter of the dream.

Purple-Spiritual Leader / Teacher, Crown ChakraMeaning: Nobility of purpose, spiritual leadership, spiritual teaching, regal, power, authority in spiritual matters e.g. bishops wear purple.

Shade of purple is important. His suit was violet. Violet relates to self knowledge/ spiritual awareness. It is the union with your higher self, with spirituality, and your higher consciousness.

Violet is the highest colour in the visible spectrum. This colour is known as one of the "cool" colours. It has a very calming effect on us and is, therefore, very helpful for those people experiencing sleep difficulties or stress. However, it can be contra-indicated for those suffering from depressive disorders.

The Crown Chakra is associated with the color violet or white. We use the seventh chakra as a tool to communicate with our spiritual nature. It is through this vortice that the life force is dispersed from the universe into the lower 6 chakras. It has been referred to as our "GOD SOURCE" - but this terminology might be confusing to anyone who equates God with religious dogma, because of this I choose to call it a spiritual connection or communicator. This chakra is often pictured as a lotus flower opening to allow spiritual awakening in an individual. The crown chakra could also be considered the well intuitive knowing is drawn from.

More random reading-

Everyone at the table has a traumatic memory of receiving the diagnosis(of autism). It is an intense personal struggle to come to grips with the idea that your child is imperfect-a process that can shake a family to its foundations. At first there's a vast reluctance to admit that autism is the real diagnosis.

Ramafications of choice... -my thought.

Dreams....

Each morning in the Mayan village the family members gather around the cooking hearth to begin the day with the usual warming of food and retelling of each persons dream in the night just past. By skillfully reading the family dreams every morning, a grandma or grandfather could help all the members of the compound navigate through the many dangers of this hard earth-oriented struggle for life. They may even be able to direct their families to some unseen opportunities.

It is believed there are two simultaneous faces of reality: the world where we work and the world where we dream. Shamans call these two realities the Twins. A dream is considered the remembered fragment of the experience of one's natural spirit in the twin world, the dreamworld. The twin world of dreams like this world, never ceases living, forming as it does a parallel continuum to the waking world. It actually forms one half of the substance of our lives. Although the landscape of dreams may seem different than the landscape of the awake world, it is actually the balanced opposite, reversed version, where our souls live out our bodies' lives. Dreams read life back to us like a storyteller

Like the two opposing wings of a butterfly, the dreamworld is one wing and the awake world is the other wing. The butterfly must have both wings connected at the Heart in order to fly and function.

Excerpts taken from "Secrets of the Talking Jaguar" memoirs from the living heart of a mayan village.

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Eighth Grade Graduation Ode to Naomi Jean

When you were born I held you, I watched you learn to walk, and eat, yes eat! It has always been your very favorite! I put you in school at five just as most parents do, then I took you back out at six wanting you beside me for all those hours to guide your character and give you lots of space. When I decided to redirect my life it threw me a curve ball too and changed your life in unexpected ways, yet things have turned out good. It has led us to a lot of new things like this school with all these teachers that care so genuinely about you.

Naomi is a quiet, radical girl, with unexpected bursts of laughter and a steady foot. She is trustworthy, confident, outspoken and all together beguiling. As firstborn child you are characteristically independent and very individual. Your eye catching beauty and charm present from birth; you tend to these assets well and make them uniquely you. You have surprised and delighted me with your scholastic finesse, your maturity and strength. My hope is that life treats you well, with not too much pain; that your steps are wise and lead you with grace to the place of your hearts satisfaction.

Mattew 10:16 …be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. This is my prayer for you.

I Can Taste Eternity

It is this overwhelming sense of love that I feel for you... This immersing rush of energy when laying with you, touching you, kissing you. Words have no meaning, only loves essence as it pours from my soul to cover you. I love you.

It is this fragility of life that touches me every now and then and takes me by surprise, when someone I love is having a momentary lose of life and is pressing close to the thin veil of time and all you have are prayers. Lucid and powerful the emotional connections - the way we share as we stand seperate in our skin. I love you.

She died in peace. I didn't know her but feel her pass. The family the vessel of her memory, motherless children, with sorrow and joy give birth to tomorrow. Always will there be the pain. The moment is right when we are thinking about you. We in our lose, feelings very powerful as we stand next to you seperate in our skin. Your hands now touching eternity. I love you.