Gravity

It has been more than two years now since I was divorced, more than 4 since I moved out of my home which I still own with my former spouse. I will call him Don for posterity’s sake. I am still trying to come to terms with it, the death and loss of faith side by side with the gain of freedom and expression. I have been trying to sort out my grief for a long time. Trying to navigate that has been like going through the Grand Canyon or a wadi* where you can be swept away by torrential rain fall without warning. At times I wonder if my grief will ever subside. And then there is the guilt. I have finally made peace with leaving Don "wifeless", I guess that is one advance. I still have guilt over leaving Don and the children motherless when they are together and I have NO peace about my two children having to go back and forth from the father’s house to mine every 3 1/2 days being shared living in two homes. Fuck.

I was crying randomly about a week or so ago about my divorce. I have been trying to go into this sorrow and sort it out. A comment of my current companion stood out to me that I still have issues with my ex. This is obvious but it was catalyst enough to get me looking and listening within myself for more specific details.
I use lucid dreaming to my advantage when I can for creative ideas, communicating with subconscious parts and just for fun. I used it to explore this issue and saw this image of myself curled up inside of a clear cylindrical glass vase.  I realized Don is the container and I can't recover.  I am scared to death to let go of him, really scarred. I love you.  I never really felt ok about getting divorced because I couldn’t get myself to say yes, but, I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t able to choose to leave. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer then I left.  But I always had this one rule of thumb that I used that I didn’t follow that was if I couldn’t decide to do a thing or not that it meant no I wasn't ready. I also used to flip a coin with my kids a lot and I wasn't willing to do that either. I just didn’t want to go back.

I am afraid to let him go but I am gone. I left, I don't get it?

These are my thoughts.
R

*Wadi (Arabic: وادي‎ wādī; also: Vadi) is the Arabic term traditionally referring to a valley. In some cases, it may refer to a dry riverbed that contains water only during times of heavy rain or simply an intermittent stream. Wadis, cut by stream in a desert environment, generally are dry year round except after a rain. The desert environment is characterized by a sudden but infrequent heavy rainfall often resulting in flash floods. Crossing wadis at certain times of the year can be dangerous because of unexpected flash floods. Job speaks of his friends whom he calls brothers as being like these wadis. The Jewish Study Bible transliterated the word "brook" in Job 6:15 for the word "wadi". The commentator notes, "Wadi, a seasonal stream that may be dangerously overflowing in winter and dry in summer"