Gravity

It has been more than two years now since I was divorced, more than 4 since I moved out of my home which I still own with my former spouse. I will call him Don for posterity’s sake. I am still trying to come to terms with it, the death and loss of faith side by side with the gain of freedom and expression. I have been trying to sort out my grief for a long time. Trying to navigate that has been like going through the Grand Canyon or a wadi* where you can be swept away by torrential rain fall without warning. At times I wonder if my grief will ever subside. And then there is the guilt. I have finally made peace with leaving Don "wifeless", I guess that is one advance. I still have guilt over leaving Don and the children motherless when they are together and I have NO peace about my two children having to go back and forth from the father’s house to mine every 3 1/2 days being shared living in two homes. Fuck.

I was crying randomly about a week or so ago about my divorce. I have been trying to go into this sorrow and sort it out. A comment of my current companion stood out to me that I still have issues with my ex. This is obvious but it was catalyst enough to get me looking and listening within myself for more specific details.
I use lucid dreaming to my advantage when I can for creative ideas, communicating with subconscious parts and just for fun. I used it to explore this issue and saw this image of myself curled up inside of a clear cylindrical glass vase.  I realized Don is the container and I can't recover.  I am scared to death to let go of him, really scarred. I love you.  I never really felt ok about getting divorced because I couldn’t get myself to say yes, but, I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t able to choose to leave. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer then I left.  But I always had this one rule of thumb that I used that I didn’t follow that was if I couldn’t decide to do a thing or not that it meant no I wasn't ready. I also used to flip a coin with my kids a lot and I wasn't willing to do that either. I just didn’t want to go back.

I am afraid to let him go but I am gone. I left, I don't get it?

These are my thoughts.
R

*Wadi (Arabic: وادي‎ wādī; also: Vadi) is the Arabic term traditionally referring to a valley. In some cases, it may refer to a dry riverbed that contains water only during times of heavy rain or simply an intermittent stream. Wadis, cut by stream in a desert environment, generally are dry year round except after a rain. The desert environment is characterized by a sudden but infrequent heavy rainfall often resulting in flash floods. Crossing wadis at certain times of the year can be dangerous because of unexpected flash floods. Job speaks of his friends whom he calls brothers as being like these wadis. The Jewish Study Bible transliterated the word "brook" in Job 6:15 for the word "wadi". The commentator notes, "Wadi, a seasonal stream that may be dangerously overflowing in winter and dry in summer"

Unravel

I have been having this series of dreams that has the same sequence repeating itself 3 or 4 times in a row with the same circumstances going on but getting more complicated and more difficult with each succession. The last one I woke up to be relieved I could get out of it was so tiring. Tiring because I couldn't get past the problem. It just kept getting more and more complicated and more threatening to my health.

The last time I had the dream with the repeating seqence there was this young man, average height, fairly slender, dark hair, quiet and intelligent. He was in the second sequence putting something together or organizing something when I walked by and noticed him. He was wearing black. I passed by him again in the fourth sequence. He was going about doing the same thing but he had on a purple suit. I wanted him to notice I had noticed him and so I said, "it is nice to see you again."

Random reading-

It felt like the end of the only love affair I had ever had and that I had lost my very soul.

Madness is the state of chaos we enter when "the center does not hold," when our instinctual foundations lose their harmonious balance. When it is effective against the potential chaos of the unconscious, self always functions as the organizing and balancing constituent of the psyche, although it may be represented by a variety of mythological images: Zeus, Tao, atman, Holy Ghost, mandalas, etc.

nu⋅mi⋅nous-adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or like a numen; spiritual or supernatural.

2. surpassing comprehension or understanding; mysterious: that element in artistic expression that remains numinous.

3. arousing one's elevated feelings of duty, honor, loyalty, etc.: a benevolent and numinous paternity. Origin: 1640–50; <>

Color, like everything else in your dream is there to heal you,to guide you, as an expression of your reaction to the subject matter of the dream.

Purple-Spiritual Leader / Teacher, Crown ChakraMeaning: Nobility of purpose, spiritual leadership, spiritual teaching, regal, power, authority in spiritual matters e.g. bishops wear purple.

Shade of purple is important. His suit was violet. Violet relates to self knowledge/ spiritual awareness. It is the union with your higher self, with spirituality, and your higher consciousness.

Violet is the highest colour in the visible spectrum. This colour is known as one of the "cool" colours. It has a very calming effect on us and is, therefore, very helpful for those people experiencing sleep difficulties or stress. However, it can be contra-indicated for those suffering from depressive disorders.

The Crown Chakra is associated with the color violet or white. We use the seventh chakra as a tool to communicate with our spiritual nature. It is through this vortice that the life force is dispersed from the universe into the lower 6 chakras. It has been referred to as our "GOD SOURCE" - but this terminology might be confusing to anyone who equates God with religious dogma, because of this I choose to call it a spiritual connection or communicator. This chakra is often pictured as a lotus flower opening to allow spiritual awakening in an individual. The crown chakra could also be considered the well intuitive knowing is drawn from.

More random reading-

Everyone at the table has a traumatic memory of receiving the diagnosis(of autism). It is an intense personal struggle to come to grips with the idea that your child is imperfect-a process that can shake a family to its foundations. At first there's a vast reluctance to admit that autism is the real diagnosis.

Ramafications of choice... -my thought.