reticent

Merriam Websters thesaurus writes this about being reticent;

1-given to keeping one's activities hidden from public observation or knowledge — see secretive 2 tending not to speak frequently (as by habit or inclination) — see silent 2

This word enters my mind today as I continue to wrestle with all of the things I've decided to change and all of the things that have decided to change me. I keep faltering, never thinking I am in the right place wondering what is going to happen to keep me from being happy next because of my decisions.

Fear is the motivating force. Fear is a negative factor not a positive. One to be recognized for sure but not to be driven by. I let it creep into my conciousness and hide my day from belief.

In the word reticent I read the reference to secretive. This word is uncomfortable.

I have chosen to leave my husband. A belief I did not hold until the day I decided to leave. Like a twister that came and tore off the top of my shed; or my head and blew everything out into a pile to sort through. Funny this choice of words should come fleeting, meandering crost my mind. This theme for me, this twister.

Once I visualized my pain, the circumstances of my separation and I saw myself walking across a landscape. At some point I came to the edge of this place I was walking, then stepped off. I fell for many, many feet to the ground that seized up to meet me. There buried in the soil in my vision I saw myself emerging, my body glowing from the inside out. I emerged anew. But the twister kept spinning on my shoulder and kept me pinned to the ground. I couldn't move. What is this image; what keeps me pinned in place? Why am I still living?

Why do I not celebrate this departure and agree with my heart and mind . Why do I reject and doubt the thing I pushed myself into knowing and the thing I forced myself to do, knowing it was immenent to my survival? Reticent; why am I reticent about the thing I now know and believe to be true? It is fear that keeps me inert. I am in fear of my own truth.

Honesty is a hard companion but a satisfying lover. Another page.

Renee'