Standing Still

I was a the verge of sleep last night when a voice spoke to me saying, "You know it's not so bad to stay in the same place," referring to my life and career not making forward motion.  Then I heard, "Take a lake for example a lake."  It never moves and yet creates an entire environment that nurtures and sustains living things.  I had never thought of it like that before.

INSIGHTS

I had this dream this morning, actually 2 or 3, but, the last one is the one that brought me closest to the heart of me. Like into this deep inner recess. And I know this because in my dream it was some place I didn't want to step into because it was hidden in darkness and covered in water and I was frightentened off by what may be in the water.

I came in to this totally black space, over grown and forgotten it had been out of sight for so long. Tree's and shrubs and reeds had grown up and completely covered over this place. There was also water that had come in and filled up the meadow that that was there and it was the dead of night. Someone had come with me and had a flash light which is why I could see this place at all, otherwise, it was pitch black. I just kept looking at the water, the stillness and what may be living in it. I decided not to wade into it out of fear of what was lurking below.

INSIGHTS.

Binding Ties

I feel I'm in this transitory space. Something which I can't freely communicate. I know where I am here. I am here all of the time just out of awareness of it at times. I realize I am very different on the inside from the majority of people. I only touch base with this truth here and there because it is not socially acceptable in my Christian tribe nor very functional in a binary community. There is no space for this psychic side of me in an ordinary life.

People everywhere are moving and thinking and dreaming of what to do and what to be and I am one of them too, but I can not settle down into it...? What do I do? What do I do. .?!!! I try to unravel myself to succeed, but, I cannot. I cannot describe this thing that I experience, this energy that I FEEL! This sensory experience inside of me when I tune into the design inside of other peoples lives-and their awarenesses. The LOVE for people that drives me. The wildness that moves and shakes me, the amour that I am.

Obedient Daughter

I finally belong to myself.

I am picking up the dog poop in the garage like I have been asked to and then some out in the yard.  I begin to have a dialogue in my head about it.  I have done it because, "I am an obedient daughter".  This resonates inside me to when I was an young Christian woman and further back to the teenage girl living under the watchful eye of my father. 

Then I ask myself, what has all my obedience brought me only to find myself laughing sarcastically for all of my bittersweet rule following.  And so I wrote these words in reflection.

Waking in the morning light
I find myself asleep.
the sun is up and windows drawn
my eyes closed tight like night.
No oarsman came to guide me
No entries ever writ
until my heart in it's own time
did tear me into bits.

When I was a child I couldn't harm a man, woman or child. 
My heart was drawn with guarded sword to love them every kind. 
To stranger ones I was attuned, the outcast, dumped, unkind. 
Inside my heart the loving me could never them deny.

I was always trying to "do the right thing".  It kind of ran my behaviour.  I never wanted to hurt any ones feelings or have a bad reputation.  Why all the care about what other people think of me? I am still only at the beginning of understanding this and doing what ever I feel, not just do what is right because I am an obedient daughter.

My figure was always my balance.  If I had not been born with this beautiful shape to buoy my soul I could not have had the courage to be.  God in his wisdom made my body my anchor because my mind and soul became riddled by the handling of a man as a very young child.  My well proportioned figure gave me confidence I did not have in my heart, to be myself.  My body is my harbor. 

More poetry...

Because I was an obedient daughter I asked permission of my parents to marry a man who had asked for my hand, trusting that there blessing would secure my happiness. 

Because I was an obedient daughter I took on the customs and culture of my husband and blended to be a part of his family.  I had never found myself so how could I have ever stayed an individual.  I was a "good wife".

Because I was an obedient daughter I went to church and worshipped with raised hands and repentant heart.  Diverted my eyes and lips from things unseemly.  As yet I did not know my own soul.

Because I was an wise woman I decided to finally have children.  I didn't want to sacrifice all of my time but knew I might regret it and now I never will.

Because I was an obedient daughter I shut my mouth held my tongue and lost my breath.

Because I could no longer live in obedience I turned and walked away from it and died to it all.  I broke my heart and left.  My heart is broken still. 

Then I left my faith.

Oh broken heart and faith of mine
Oh thee how do I fix?
I lay at night and sup good wine
for thine immortal fix.
Blind eyes and ears in thee I find
no colored summer days.
Where did the light and color go
and when will it return.

R
journal entry 5/14/10

Turning Point

I am reaching some turning point.  I am gaining some stability, having less emotional turmoil compounded by drinking binges.  I have not however recovered any of my former painting style illiciting passionate stories of my experience in 3 years.  This being said I did complete my most successful painting to date last year, a commission called "Dance My Soul".  But mostly since regaining a studio space after seperation 'o6, cancer and divorce '07, I have mostly only drank, wept and ruined alot of work.  Kudos to the angel of a man who is loving me through it anyways.  My anger is subsiding.

Immigrant

My grandma died.  She died just over a week ago at 98 years old. 

I have been looking more into of the concept of energy again. And how to change where I am.  I find I need to also know what I come from.  I was listening to some streams about wealth and about what we believe about ourselves that lies just below the surface that affects our wealth and what we expect and receive.  Even the patterns that dictated our childhood that we can be living out of subconciously and how it affects our energy.  So I have been seeking.  The morning of the funeral a I woke up to a vision that was sent to me of an immigrant sitting on the steps of her yard.  It was surrounded by a chain link fence.  You could tell she was an immigrant by the way she was dressed and with a scarf around her head.  I was struck by vision and layed and meditated on it and wondered who she was.  When she/or I removed her scarf it was my great grandmother Ogot.  My grandmothers mother. I still don't know what she means but I know it was related to my desire to unlock my energy for more success.

After Christmas this year I will change my name to Renee Michele.

Time

It has been nearly 5 years now since I left... at heart that is and now I am beginning to heal.  The pain never seems to be extinguished nor my attachment to Joseph and the tribe we have made.  I love him without explanation; the pain never ends.  But I am better now.  Not angry all the time, everyday on, and on, and on.  Perhaps it is better also for him for how can one find peace with a perpetually distraught wife?!  Even if she were a good wife?!  But I miss him more and more as time passes and the unity of my married life and the devotion of family.  I guess I am right where I belong because that is every moment in life.  You are exactly where you should be.  I don't claim to understand why I have to be here today but I am and so I try and be at peace. 

I LOVE MY CHILDREN LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER KNOWN.   

I dearly love the man I am with as well and have never been so at peace.

Carnival.

Renee Michele