Angelic Message for Today

"Think with your hands."

Post Haste

It has been almost six years since I started this blog to practice writing and process my decision to leave my established life and ultimately my faith and find that things have turned out okay. I would hope that I will never have to go through that kind of a mental vortex ever again. My fear was that my choice for my happiness was going to be used against me. That some evil fate or retribution was waiting right around the corner at every step I took toward this freedom, but it never did.  I now see that I can be happy just by being aware, knowing I am good, there is nothing to be guilty about.

Life wants to give me life, happiness and all of kinds of goodness.  Now I live on my own, with a partner who hears me, loves me, supports and protects me and bottom line, respects me and that is why this works. I continue to trust and respect myself as well.

NEW MOON IN LIBRA

For those who may wonder about the future relationship flux here are three clear tenets to help understand exactly who we will be matched with: those who have earned their place in our lives, those with whom we share the greatest energetic resonance, and those with whom we can be of greatest service to. Be aware that the people who remain and enter into our lives during the next six moons are the ones which God has ordained that we are to love, serve, live, and co-create with. The winds of change are gusting, flow with them. 

http://www.starseedastrology.com/apps/blog
Photography by Naomi Chan

Poppy

     I have this dog.  She's dysfunctional.  I look at her tonight and ask "and why are you here?"

     How is it I always attract the "dysfunctional"?  Is it because I am good at it, facilitating it, looking past it and at the good?  The wise?  The kind?! I look at my dog and see that again we have the dysfunctional!!!  Why do I always have to do that, my road leads down the many paths and winding roads to who is more weird so Renee can take care of them.  She knows how, God made her OVER COMPASSIONATE, and she gets to find the balance.  WTF I say, why TF!  Ugh...
     For the benefit of some people I know and to my dismay at other times...
     My first memory of befriending the outcast was in elementary school.  There was a girl that got picked on named Roberta.  Who would ever name there child Roberta?  To my memory there wasn't anything different about her than anyone else I was in school with but she became a target of ridicule.  My instinct was to become her friend, her compadre, in an effort to make her life more normal, in an effort to be the one that reflected back that she was normal.  In essence to say Love yourself, you are fine and you are more than they make you out to be.  I thought my classmates to be very mean and created this friendship on her behalf, not because I ever really was drawn to her as a like minded person but in an effort to shield her pain with a reflection of hope.   
     Then ther was this guy who would come in for coffee every morning at "Cafe Pateen"* and he was  so angry every time he came in that I made it my goal to be kind to him every time he came in no matter what he said or how he looked at me and become his comapadre.  He eventually softened to me and came to be quite kind to me... My efforts had worked.... What posessed me to do that I am not sure.  There was no premeditated outcome to it in the end.  He wasn't even remotely close to someone I would choose to become friends with on an ordinary day. 
     My intense desire to make people feel good, feel good about themselves and feel accepted, and why?  I don't know.  I have always thought if I were in a theatre I would be the person running around in the dark backing things up, making scene changes in the dark to make others look better.  MMMmmm... thinking pooh is thinking about this one. 
     Then when I was working at the MIA I met this guy who my manager at the time could not even deal with.  He was Chinese and couldn't understand how to run the cash reginster, etc, etc, in this proto type snack shop they were try ing out, so she told me to please train him.  This is where we start..."Chan".  I just remember thinking this is the skinniest guy I have ever met in my life.

Dharma

"Path of Awakening" and thus conforms to a universal understanding of dharma. The teachings are means of getting the hearer to question their own cherished beliefs and view of life; when through investigation and insight is opened the door to truth, the teaching can be put aside.

Dorothy

char·ism
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural cha·ris·ma·ta \kə-ˈriz-mə-tə; ˌker-iz-ˈmä-tə, ˌka-riz-\ or charisms
Etymology:
Greek charisma
Date:
circa 1641
: an extraordinary power (as of healing) given a Christian by the Holy Spirit for the good of the church

My Upcoming Year

William Blake Tarot Ace of Poetry (Inspiration) A six-winged cherub descends to touch the poet's lips as he writes upon a scroll draped over his right leg. A manifestation of spiritual power, the cherub represents the divine inspiration as a sexual metaphor. Blake says: "In Beulah the female lets down her beautiful tabernacle, which the male enters magnificent between her cherubim, and becomes one with her." The tabernacle refers to genitalia, the cherubim to the labia, while Beulah is the realm of creativity and sexuality. This card thus symbolizes the reception of inspiration as spiritual cunnilingus, or communicating with the sacred. Blake's lines in the window declare the universal poet's mission, which is to create Poetry by letting spirit in (inspiration), renouncing the "rags" of rules and rationality, and sacrificing one's ego (self-annihilation). "Faith in the Saviour" means believing in your divine self, in your own imagination as your personal savior.

A Happy Ending

Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte (Un dimanche après-midi à l’Ile de la Grande Jatte), Georges Seurat, 1884-1886.

In my dream I was getting angry with Naomi because she borrowed my car to a friend to run an errand.  We were waiting at their school looking at art projects, displays and such.  Noah was trying to sleep. The school bus came and ran off the road and crashed then the driver got out and tore it up some more.  Finally Naomi,s friend brought her car back and when I tried to introduce myself and shake hands she wouldn't, she just said, "I don't do that".  She was physically worn for a teen.  So finally we left.  I took a turn down a road that went off road.  We were trying to decide if we should follow that road going through a lot of personal and public property  along the edge of a lake or go back to the main road I was bored of taking.  I could see some landmarks in the distance so I knew we would get to were we wanted but the question was whether or not it was OK to go through other peoples personal and public domains to get to our destination.  They were all out in there yards, juggling and having lots of different kinds of fun.

I am trying to see if I can get somewhere off of the main drag.  I am not sure if it is OK for me to walk through someone else's yard.  The journey looks so much more lively and adventurous that way, even if we get wet or dirty.

A Visit From My Warrior Archtype

 

Warrior

She told my I was cunning, decisive, a wanderer.  She told me her name was Jennifer Alan(Alaine).  I noticed I was being very sarcastic in the beginning of the dialogue and asked why?  Because of being afraid.  Afraid of breaking rules.  She said I was like a rock, but their was something very unusual in side of me.  I saw the large black rock and the diamond buried in the middle.  She said I was coming into fruition.  I need to keep talking with you.  I made the Connection that we both had to first names tying me closer at some level, wondering if perhaps it may have been me somewhere else.  

Wanderer

Adam Vincent

                                                       http://www.elfwood.com/~bailequaile

Artist/Self

Yesterday I was sitting in this lovely organic cafe in Minneapolis, listening to old time music, eating an egg sandwich when I realized how good it all made me feel.  I reflected for a minute and realized how much worry and anxiety and guilt I continuously entertain in my puny mind and decided it would behoove me to create a better way of thinking in terms of my life.  Get over the past, don't worry so much about the future and enjoy this present love.  

Symbolic Guidance

Often times all it takes is a little extra sleeping, usually in the morning to let your silent mind speak to your conscious mind while dreaming.  We all have symbolic dream sequences, ones that keep repeating in the same or different forms telling us where we are going or how we are feeling.  The organization of our thoughts never ends since the brain never sleeps, just takes an alternate free form style of processing while the conscious quiets down and lets the other half talk for a while.  It communicates very different, sometimes speaking softly like the divine and at other times screaming out our obvious fears in a mental internal cinema of symbols.

I have one very significant symbol I have seen repeating at different points in my life that signals attaining success or arrival of some kind which is this beautiful Bascillica in Paris, France called Sacre Coeur.  This means sacred heart.  This is a very profound symbol every time I see it because it is signal of hope to me and tells me I am right on track.  It is this very eternal image in my minds eye.

This morning I was dreaming about traveling with friends by train.  As we were en route to our point of destination the train went over some high bridges to reveal some of the beautiful landmarks of Paris.  One was Sacre Coeur and I pointed it out to my companions telling them it was a symbol of great inner meaning.  When we finally arrived at our destination and were trying to change trains.  There was a lot of confusion with all of the people but we eventually made it onto a train only to be stranded out in the middle of a field where there were trains derailed all over the place.  We got stuck there momentarily and then we were summoned to board another train and we were on our way.  As I ran past the back of the car we were going to board, I saw my friend reach under the train and pick up an earring made of turquoise with a scarab as it's main decoration.  I recognized it as my daughters earrings and so picked up the other one and a few other strands of beads and got on board.  The scarab was the secondary image of the dream, a symbol of rebirth and restoration.  That was a welcome dream, a comforting transmission from the other side for me to hear, one that offers me great calm and a sense of centering in my life as opposed to the chaos, loss, etc. that has been a part of these past few months and last 5 years.  Yay for me!  I am getting back on track.

So happy to be a vivid dreamer.  So happy to have Paris.  So happy to be me.

Standing Still

I was a the verge of sleep last night when a voice spoke to me saying, "You know it's not so bad to stay in the same place," referring to my life and career not making forward motion.  Then I heard, "Take a lake for example a lake."  It never moves and yet creates an entire environment that nurtures and sustains living things.  I had never thought of it like that before.

INSIGHTS

I had this dream this morning, actually 2 or 3, but, the last one is the one that brought me closest to the heart of me. Like into this deep inner recess. And I know this because in my dream it was some place I didn't want to step into because it was hidden in darkness and covered in water and I was frightentened off by what may be in the water.

I came in to this totally black space, over grown and forgotten it had been out of sight for so long. Tree's and shrubs and reeds had grown up and completely covered over this place. There was also water that had come in and filled up the meadow that that was there and it was the dead of night. Someone had come with me and had a flash light which is why I could see this place at all, otherwise, it was pitch black. I just kept looking at the water, the stillness and what may be living in it. I decided not to wade into it out of fear of what was lurking below.

INSIGHTS.

Binding Ties

I feel I'm in this transitory space. Something which I can't freely communicate. I know where I am here. I am here all of the time just out of awareness of it at times. I realize I am very different on the inside from the majority of people. I only touch base with this truth here and there because it is not socially acceptable in my Christian tribe nor very functional in a binary community. There is no space for this psychic side of me in an ordinary life.

People everywhere are moving and thinking and dreaming of what to do and what to be and I am one of them too, but I can not settle down into it...? What do I do? What do I do. .?!!! I try to unravel myself to succeed, but, I cannot. I cannot describe this thing that I experience, this energy that I FEEL! This sensory experience inside of me when I tune into the design inside of other peoples lives-and their awarenesses. The LOVE for people that drives me. The wildness that moves and shakes me, the amour that I am.

Obedient Daughter

I finally belong to myself.

I am picking up the dog poop in the garage like I have been asked to and then some out in the yard.  I begin to have a dialogue in my head about it.  I have done it because, "I am an obedient daughter".  This resonates inside me to when I was an young Christian woman and further back to the teenage girl living under the watchful eye of my father. 

Then I ask myself, what has all my obedience brought me only to find myself laughing sarcastically for all of my bittersweet rule following.  And so I wrote these words in reflection.

Waking in the morning light
I find myself asleep.
the sun is up and windows drawn
my eyes closed tight like night.
No oarsman came to guide me
No entries ever writ
until my heart in it's own time
did tear me into bits.

When I was a child I couldn't harm a man, woman or child. 
My heart was drawn with guarded sword to love them every kind. 
To stranger ones I was attuned, the outcast, dumped, unkind. 
Inside my heart the loving me could never them deny.

I was always trying to "do the right thing".  It kind of ran my behaviour.  I never wanted to hurt any ones feelings or have a bad reputation.  Why all the care about what other people think of me? I am still only at the beginning of understanding this and doing what ever I feel, not just do what is right because I am an obedient daughter.

My figure was always my balance.  If I had not been born with this beautiful shape to buoy my soul I could not have had the courage to be.  God in his wisdom made my body my anchor because my mind and soul became riddled by the handling of a man as a very young child.  My well proportioned figure gave me confidence I did not have in my heart, to be myself.  My body is my harbor. 

More poetry...

Because I was an obedient daughter I asked permission of my parents to marry a man who had asked for my hand, trusting that there blessing would secure my happiness. 

Because I was an obedient daughter I took on the customs and culture of my husband and blended to be a part of his family.  I had never found myself so how could I have ever stayed an individual.  I was a "good wife".

Because I was an obedient daughter I went to church and worshipped with raised hands and repentant heart.  Diverted my eyes and lips from things unseemly.  As yet I did not know my own soul.

Because I was an wise woman I decided to finally have children.  I didn't want to sacrifice all of my time but knew I might regret it and now I never will.

Because I was an obedient daughter I shut my mouth held my tongue and lost my breath.

Because I could no longer live in obedience I turned and walked away from it and died to it all.  I broke my heart and left.  My heart is broken still. 

Then I left my faith.

Oh broken heart and faith of mine
Oh thee how do I fix?
I lay at night and sup good wine
for thine immortal fix.
Blind eyes and ears in thee I find
no colored summer days.
Where did the light and color go
and when will it return.

R
journal entry 5/14/10

Turning Point

I am reaching some turning point.  I am gaining some stability, having less emotional turmoil compounded by drinking binges.  I have not however recovered any of my former painting style illiciting passionate stories of my experience in 3 years.  This being said I did complete my most successful painting to date last year, a commission called "Dance My Soul".  But mostly since regaining a studio space after seperation 'o6, cancer and divorce '07, I have mostly only drank, wept and ruined alot of work.  Kudos to the angel of a man who is loving me through it anyways.  My anger is subsiding.

Immigrant

My grandma died.  She died just over a week ago at 98 years old. 

I have been looking more into of the concept of energy again. And how to change where I am.  I find I need to also know what I come from.  I was listening to some streams about wealth and about what we believe about ourselves that lies just below the surface that affects our wealth and what we expect and receive.  Even the patterns that dictated our childhood that we can be living out of subconciously and how it affects our energy.  So I have been seeking.  The morning of the funeral a I woke up to a vision that was sent to me of an immigrant sitting on the steps of her yard.  It was surrounded by a chain link fence.  You could tell she was an immigrant by the way she was dressed and with a scarf around her head.  I was struck by vision and layed and meditated on it and wondered who she was.  When she/or I removed her scarf it was my great grandmother Ogot.  My grandmothers mother. I still don't know what she means but I know it was related to my desire to unlock my energy for more success.

After Christmas this year I will change my name to Renee Michele.

Time

It has been nearly 5 years now since I left... at heart that is and now I am beginning to heal.  The pain never seems to be extinguished nor my attachment to Joseph and the tribe we have made.  I love him without explanation; the pain never ends.  But I am better now.  Not angry all the time, everyday on, and on, and on.  Perhaps it is better also for him for how can one find peace with a perpetually distraught wife?!  Even if she were a good wife?!  But I miss him more and more as time passes and the unity of my married life and the devotion of family.  I guess I am right where I belong because that is every moment in life.  You are exactly where you should be.  I don't claim to understand why I have to be here today but I am and so I try and be at peace. 

I LOVE MY CHILDREN LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER KNOWN.   

I dearly love the man I am with as well and have never been so at peace.

Carnival.

Renee Michele

Sugar and Money

Fathers Day 2010. I love my children. They are the very heart of me. They are like sugar making life sweet.

Anger...

... Is when a person doesn't get what they want and there day gets ruined and spoils the mood and changes the celebration from a gift into a responsibility.

What do I believe?

A few years back I left my marriage to try to make sense of what "I thought" happiness was supposed to be. I woke up very early one Saturday morning to a voice that was as audible as someone speaking out loud, my inner voice speaking loudly to myself. I heard it say "I'm going to leave this guy" and knew it was the truth. My heart started to pound. These were not easy words to hear. As a woman, as a mother and a christian these words shook my world. 24 hours later I began to leave. This was no act of faith on my part. This was an act of will. There was no consolation for getting divorced in the Bible so I lost faith for a while because I couldn't move forward in it. I was frightened, at times terrified at what might befall me having made this choice. I literally I broke my own heart in the life I had invested so I wouldn't lose my mind. During that time I even went so far as to pose an option to myself like you could leave your husband or you could leave Christianity and stay married and maybe that would work but inside I knew it wasn't the answer to peace either. Consequently, I ended up leaving both.

How could I leave someone for my own happiness. For a lot of people this is easy. They just turn and walk away and demolish their past like it's nothing. But it haunts me, it revisits me over and over like waves on a shore. Like a silent movie with no sound I am straining to be at rest with what I have chosen. What is the matter with me? Why can't I let this thing go?! It feels like the most selfish thing I've ever done.

Such a fine wife I made. Why did I leave? I left because I felt alone. I was living inside of myself, functioning inside the relationship. This still small place cramped in the middle of this fantastic family.  I was on the margins, the epitome of goodness. It was my display of devotion, and it was from the heart but it did not include me. I had had difficulty with Christianity from the beginning. I remember early on in the 1st and 2nd year encountering lose of identity in the most devastating way being swept into a cult. Another time giving in to depression caused by the divide in what I was trying to be and who I was on a very organic level, in the matrix of being that I am.  So I counseled twice for those 2 things, counseled again when I found myself falling in love with my former husband and began to gain some insight into the issue.

At another moment time I was going to leave my family because I felt I was going to have a total breakdown. All the hours alone with small babies were so long and late into the night but God in his mercy changed their fathers work schedule that very same dayand I gained some relief. I never thought about divorce. It was not within my principles of faith, never in my conversations for many reasons. We were raising children having a great family life and  divorce was not biblical. As for partnership we were somewhat at odds with each other over my artistic career, homeschooling and all my alternative beliefs that were challenges and him leaving the creative field for financial reasons and unobtained opportunities.

Finally, I chose to stop thinking about all I believed and made an "illegal u turn" in the middle of my life, pushed a grocery cart out into traffic as a distraction and left. Keeping what I knew of God as being an emphatically loving entity I pushed all of my beliefs aside in order to move forward and haven't turned back. It is my belief that He will bring this thing full circle and bring me back into relationship with new understanding. Not saying it has been easy or I never have doubts and wonder if this whole thing is going to fly back in my face like a grenade!? So far it has supported me this wonderful, purposeful, painful reconciliation of me to my own life. In the end I realized I never left God but left the rules and regulations of a Christian life in order to live my life. After all...  it is mine to live.