I finally belong to myself.
I am picking up the dog poop in the garage like I have been asked to and then some out in the yard. I begin to have a dialogue in my head about it. I have done it because, "I am an obedient daughter". This resonates inside me to when I was an young Christian woman and further back to the teenage girl living under the watchful eye of my father.
Then I ask myself, what has all my obedience brought me only to find myself laughing sarcastically for all of my bittersweet rule following. And so I wrote these words in reflection.
Waking in the morning light
I find myself asleep.
the sun is up and windows drawn
my eyes closed tight like night.
No oarsman came to guide me
No entries ever writ
until my heart in it's own time
did tear me into bits.
When I was a child I couldn't harm a man, woman or child.
My heart was drawn with guarded sword to love them every kind.
To stranger ones I was attuned, the outcast, dumped, unkind.
Inside my heart the loving me could never them deny.
I was always trying to "do the right thing". It kind of ran my behaviour. I never wanted to hurt any ones feelings or have a bad reputation. Why all the care about what other people think of me? I am still only at the beginning of understanding this and doing what ever I feel, not just do what is right because I am an obedient daughter.
My figure was always my balance. If I had not been born with this beautiful shape to buoy my soul I could not have had the courage to be. God in his wisdom made my body my anchor because my mind and soul became riddled by the handling of a man as a very young child. My well proportioned figure gave me confidence I did not have in my heart, to be myself. My body is my harbor.
More poetry...
Because I was an obedient daughter I asked permission of my parents to marry a man who had asked for my hand, trusting that there blessing would secure my happiness.
Because I was an obedient daughter I took on the customs and culture of my husband and blended to be a part of his family. I had never found myself so how could I have ever stayed an individual. I was a "good wife".
Because I was an obedient daughter I went to church and worshipped with raised hands and repentant heart. Diverted my eyes and lips from things unseemly. As yet I did not know my own soul.
Because I was an wise woman I decided to finally have children. I didn't want to sacrifice all of my time but knew I might regret it and now I never will.
Because I was an obedient daughter I shut my mouth held my tongue and lost my breath.
Because I could no longer live in obedience I turned and walked away from it and died to it all. I broke my heart and left. My heart is broken still.
Then I left my faith.
Oh broken heart and faith of mine
Oh thee how do I fix?
I lay at night and sup good wine
for thine immortal fix.
Blind eyes and ears in thee I find
no colored summer days.
Where did the light and color go
and when will it return.
R
journal entry 5/14/10
