Daily Bread

My Upcoming Year

2011-12-26T18:03:00.001-08:00

William Blake Tarot
Ace of Poetry (Inspiration)

A six-winged cherub descends to touch the poet's lips as he writes upon a scroll draped over his right leg. A manifestation of spiritual power, the cherub represents the divine inspiration as a sexual metaphor. Blake says: "In Beulah the female lets down her beautiful tabernacle, which the male enters magnificent between her cherubim, and becomes one with her." The tabernacle refers to genitalia, the cherubim to the labia, while Beulah is the realm of creativity and sexuality. This card thus symbolizes the reception of inspiration as spiritual cunnilingus, or communicating with the sacred. Blake's lines in the window declare the universal poet's mission, which is to create Poetry by letting spirit in (inspiration), renouncing the "rags" of rules and rationality, and sacrificing one's ego (self-annihilation). "Faith in the Saviour" means believing in your divine self, in your own imagination as your personal savior.

A Happy Ending

2011-11-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte (Un dimanche après-midi à l’Ile de la Grande Jatte), Georges Seurat, 1884-1886.

In my dream I was getting angry with Naomi because she borrowed my car to a friend to run an errand. We were waiting at their school looking at art projects, displays and such. Noah was trying to sleep. The school bus came and ran off the road and crashed then the driver got out and tore it up some more. Finally Naomi,s friend brought her car back and when I tried to introduce myself and shake hands she wouldn't, she just said, "I don't do that". She was physically worn for a teen. So finally we left. I took a turn down a road that went off road. We were trying to decide if we should follow that road going through a lot of personal and public property along the edge of a lake or go back to the main road I was bored of taking. I could see some landmarks in the distance so I knew we would get to were we wanted but the question was whether or not it was OK to go through other peoples personal and public domains to get to our destination. They were all out in there yards, juggling and having lots of different kinds of fun.

I am trying to see if I can get somewhere off of the main drag. I am not sure if it is OK for me to walk through someone elses yard. The journey looks so much more lively and adventurous that way, even if we get wet or dirty.

A Visit From My Warrior Archtype

2011-10-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Warrior

She told my I was cunning, decisive, a wanderer. She told me her name was Jennifer Alan(Alaine). I noticed I was being very sarcastic in the beginning of the dialogue and asked why? Because of being afraid. Afraid of breaking rules. She said I was like a rock, but their was something very unusual in side of me. I saw the large black rock and the diamond buried in the middle. She said I was coming into fruition. I need to keep talking with you. I made the Connection that we both had to first names tying me closer at some level, wondering if perhaps it may have been me somewhere else.

Wanderer

Adam Vincent

http://www.elfwood.com/~bailequaile

Artist/Self

2011-06-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting in this lovely organic cafe in Minneapolis, listening to old time music, eating an egg sandwich when I realized how good it all made me feel. I reflected for a minute and realized how much worry and anxiety and guilt I continuously entertain in my puny mind and decided it would behoove me to create a better way of thinking in terms of my life. Get over the past, don't worry so much about the future and enjoy this present love.

Symbolic Guidance

2011-04-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Often times all it takes is a little extra sleeping, usually in the morning to let your silent mind speak to your conscious mind while dreaming. We all have symbolic dream sequences, ones that keep repeating in the same or different forms telling us where we are going or how we are feeling. The organization of our thoughts that never ends since the brain never sleeps just takes an alternate free form style of processing while the conscious mind sleeps and lets the other half talk for a while. It is very different like sometimes speaking softly like the divine and at other times screaming out our obvious fears in a mental internal cinema of symbols.

I have one very significant symbol I have seen repeating at different points in my life that signals attaining success or arrival of some kind which is this beautiful Bascillica in Paris, France called Sacre Coeur. This means sacred heart. This is a very profound symbol every time I see it because it is signal of hope to me and tells me I am right on track. It is this very eternal image in my minds eye.

This morning I was dreaming about traveling with friends by train. As we were en route to our point of destination the train went over some high bridges to reveal some of the beautiful landmarks of Paris. One was Sacre Couer and I pointed it out to my companions telling them it was a symbol of great inner meaning to me. We finally arrived at our destination and were trying to change trains. There was a lot of confusion with all of the people but we eventually made it onto a train only to be stranded out in the middle of a field where there were trains derailed all over the place. We got stuck there momentarily and then we were summoned to board another train and we were on our way. As I ran past the back of the car we were going to board, I saw my friend reach under the train and pick up an earring made of turquoise with a scarab as it's main decoration. I recognized it as my daughters earrings and so picked up the other one and a few other strands of beads and got on board. The scarab was the secondary image of the dream, a symbol of rebirth and restoration. That was a welcome dream, a comforting transmission from the other side for me to hear, one that offers me great calm and a sense of centering in my life as opposed to the chaos, loss, etc. that has been a part of these past few months and last 5 years. Yay for me! I am getting back on track.

So happy to be a vivid dreamer. So happy to have Paris. So happy to be me.

Standing Still

2010-12-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

I was a the verge of sleep last night when a voice spoke to me saying, "You know it's not so bad to stay in the same place," referring to my life and career not making forward motion. Then I heard, "Take a lake for example a lake." It never moves and yet creates an entire environment that nurtures and sustains living things. I had never thought of it like that before.

INSIGHTS

2010-10-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had this dream this morning, actually 2 or 3, but, the last one is the one that brought me closest to the heart of me. Like into this deep inner recess. And I know this because in my dream it was some place I didn't want to step into because it was hidden in darkness and covered in water and I was frightentened off by what may be in the water.

I came in to this totally black space, over grown and forgotten it had been out of sight for so long. Tree's and shrubs and reeds had grown up and completely covered over this place. There was also water that had come in and filled up the meadow that that was there and it was the dead of night. Someone had come with me and had a flash light which is why I could see this place at all, otherwise, it was pitch black. I just kept looking at the water, the stillness and what may be living in it. I decided not to wade into it out of fear of what was lurking below.

INSIGHTS.

Binding Ties

2010-10-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

I feel I'm in this transitory space. Something which I can't freely communicate. I know where I am here. I am here all of the time just out of awareness of it at times. I realize I am very different on the inside from the majority of people. I only touch base with this truth here and there because it is not socially acceptable in my Christian tribe nor very functional in a binary community. There is no space for this psychic side of me in an ordinary life.

People everywhere are moving and thinking and dreaming of what to do and what to be and I am one of them too, but I can not settle down into it...? What do I do? What do I do. .?!!! I try to unravel myself to succeed, but, I cannot. I cannot describe this thing that I experience, this energy that I FEEL! This sensory experience inside of me when I tune into the design inside of other peoples lives-and their awarenesses. The LOVE for people that drives me. The wildness that moves and shakes me, the amour that I am.

Obedient Daughter

2010-09-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

I finally belong to myself.

I am picking up the dog poop in the garage like I have been asked to and then some out in the yard. I begin to have a dialogue in my head about it. I have done it because, "I am an obedient daughter". This resonates inside me to when I was an young Christian woman and further back to the teenage girl living under the watchful eye of my father.

Then I ask myself, what has all my obedience brought me only to find myself laughing sarcastically for all of my bittersweet rule following. And so I wrote these words in reflection.

Waking in the morning light
I find myself asleep.
the sun is up and windows drawn
my eyes closed tight like night.
No oarsman came to guide me
No entries ever writ
until my heart in it's own time
did tear me into bits.

When I was a child I couldn't harm a man, woman or child.
My heart was drawn with guarded sword to love them every kind.
To stranger ones I was attuned, the outcast, dumped, unkind.
Inside my heart the loving me could never them deny.

I was always trying to "do the right thing". It kind of ran my behaviour. I never wanted to hurt any ones feelings or have a bad reputation. Why all the care about what other people think of me? I am still only at the beginning of understanding this and doing what ever I feel, not just do what is right because I am an obedient daughter.

My figure was always my balance. If I had not been born with this beautiful shape to buoy my soul I could not have had the courage to be. God in his wisdom made my body my anchor because my mind and soul became riddled by the handling of a man as a very young child. My well proportioned figure gave me confidence I did not have in my heart, to be myself. My body is my harbor.

More poetry...

Because I was an obedient daughter I asked permission of my parents to marry a man who had asked for my hand, trusting that there blessing would secure my happiness.

Because I was an obedient daughter I took on the customs and culture of my husband and blended to be a part of his family. I had never found myself so how could I have ever stayed an individual. I was a "good wife".

Because I was an obedient daughter I went to church and worshipped with raised hands and repentant heart. Diverted my eyes and lips from things unseemly. As yet I did not know my own soul.

Because I was an wise woman I decided to finally have children. I didn't want to sacrifice all of my time but knew I might regret it and now I never will.

Because I was an obedient daughter I shut my mouth held my tongue and lost my breath.

Because I could no longer live in obedience I turned and walked away from it and died to it all. I broke my heart and left. My heart is broken still.

Then I left my faith.

Oh broken heart and faith of mine
Oh thee how do I fix?
I lay at night and sup good wine
for thine immortal fix.
Blind eyes and ears in thee I find
no colored summer days.
Where did the light and color go
and when will it return.

R
journal entry 5/14/10

Turning Point

2010-09-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

I am reaching some turning point. I am gaining some stability, having less emotional turmoil compounded by drinking binges. I have not however recovered any of my former painting style illiciting passionate stories of my experience in 3 years. This being said I did complete my most successful painting to date last year, a commission called "Dance My Soul". But mostly since regaining a studio space after seperation 'o6, cancer and divorce '07, I have mostly only drank, wept and ruined alot of work. Kudos to the angel of a man who is loving me through it anyways. My anger is subsiding.

Immigrant

2010-08-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

My grandma died. She died just over a week ago at 98 years old.

I have been looking more into of the concept of energy again. And how to change where I am. I find I need to also know what I come from. I was listening to some streams about wealth and about what we believe about ourselves that lies just below the surface that affects our wealth and what we expect and receive. Even the patterns that dictated our childhood that we can be living out of subconciously and how it affects our energy. So I have been seeking. The morning of the funeral a I woke up to a vision that was sent to me of an immigrant sitting on the steps of her yard. It was surrounded by a chain link fence. You could tell she was an immigrant by the way she was dressed and with a scarf around her head. I was struck by vision and layed and meditated on it and wondered who she was. When she/or I removed her scarf it was my great grandmother Ogot. My grandmothers mother. I still don't know what she means but I know it was related to my desire to unlock my energy for more success.

After Christmas this year I will change my name to Renee Michele.

Time

2010-07-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly 5 years now since I left... at heart that is and now I am beginning to heal. The pain never seems to be extinguished nor my attachment to Joseph and the tribe we have made. I love him without explanation; the pain never ends. But I am better now. Not angry all the time, everyday on, and on, and on. Perhaps it is better also for him for how can one find peace with a perpetually distraught wife?! Even if she were a good wife?! But I miss him more and more as time passes and the unity of my married life and the devotion of family. I guess I am right where I belong because that is every moment in life. You are exactly where you should be. I don't claim to understand why I have to be here today but I am and so I try and be at peace.

I LOVE MY CHILDREN LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

I dearly love the man I am with as well and have never been so at peace.

Carnival.

Renee Michele

Sugar and Money

2010-06-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

Fathers Day 2010. I love my children. They are the very heart of me. They are like sugar making life sweet.

Anger...

... Is when a person doesn't get what they want and there day gets ruined and spoils the mood and changes the celebration from a gift into a responsibility.

What do I believe?

2010-05-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

A few years back I left my marriage to try to make sense of what "I thought" happiness was supposed to be. I woke up very early one Saturday morning to a voice that was as audible as someone speaking out loud, my inner voice speaking loudly to myself. I heard it say "I'm going to leave this guy" and knew it was the truth. My heart started to pound. These were not easy words to hear. As a woman, as a mother and a christian these words shook my world. 24 hours later I began to leave. This was no act of faith on my part. This was an act of will. There was no consolation for getting divorced in the Bible so I lost faith for a while because I couldn't move forward in it. I was frightened, at times terrified at what might befall me having made this choice. I literally I broke my own heart in the life I had invested so I wouldn't lose my mind. During that time I even went so far as to pose an option to myself like you could leave your husband or you could leave Christianity and stay married and maybe that would work but inside I knew it wasn't the answer to peace either. Consequently, I ended up leaving both.

How could I leave someone for my own happiness. For a lot of people this is easy. They just turn and walk away and demolish their past like it's nothing. But it haunts me, it revisits me over and over like waves on a shore. Like a silent movie with no sound I am straining to be at rest with what I have chosen. What is the matter with me? Why can't I let this thing go?! It feels like the most selfish thing I've ever done.

Such a fine wife I made. Why did I leave? I left because I felt alone. I was living inside of myself, functioning inside the relationship. This still small place cramped in the middle of this fantastic family. I was on the margins, the epitome of goodness. It was my display of devotion, and it was from the heart but it did not include me. I had had difficulty with Christianity from the beginning. I remember early on in the 1st and 2nd year encountering lose of identity in the most devastating way being swept into a cult. Another time giving in to depression caused by the divide in what I was trying to be and who I was on a very organic level, in the matrix of being that I am. So I counseled twice for those 2 things, counseled again when I found myself falling in love with my former husband and began to gain some insight into the issue.

At another moment time I was going to leave my family because I felt I was going to have a total breakdown. All the hours alone with small babies were so long and late into the night but God in his mercy changed their fathers work schedule that very same dayand I gained some relief. I never thought about divorce. It was not within my principles of faith, never in my conversations for many reasons. We were raising children having a great family life and divorce was not biblical. As for partnership we were somewhat at odds with each other over my artistic career, homeschooling and all my alternative beliefs that were challenges and him leaving the creative field for financial reasons and unobtained opportunities.

Finally, I chose to stop thinking about all I believed and made an "illegal u turn" in the middle of my life, pushed a grocery cart out into traffic as a distraction and left. Keeping what I knew of God as being an emphatically loving entity I pushed all of my beliefs aside in order to move forward and haven't turned back. It is my belief that He will bring this thing full circle and bring me back into relationship with new understanding. Not saying it has been easy or I never have doubts and wonder if this whole thing is going to fly back in my face like a grenade!? So far it has supported me this wonderful, purposeful, painful reconciliation of me to my own life. In the end I realized I never left God but left the rules and regulations of a Christian life in order to live my life. After all... it is mine to live.

Expect Wonderful: letting go.

2010-04-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

Expect Wonderful: letting go.

Periculum

2010-03-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had reached the end of my wits at this job, I feel like I am stuck. I stated, "something has to change, something just has to change".

I had an amazing dream this morning, the stars streaming towards me from the dark, a gigantic fish (carp?) swimming at me through the air, coming below my naked body and making love to me transferring something to me in the form of direction, abundance and great success. As I am revisiting this astonishing dream I hear and see this word in my mind. It is so unfamiliar I am not even sure how to spell it, I thought it was perniculum, but turned out to be periculum. For some reason I think maybe it is one of those little conductor wands or one of the teacher witches wand from Harry Potter. This seems to fit what the meaning is I glean from this word although it is not the wand itself. The wave of the wand that relieves me from performing some duty of obligation, the conductor orchestrating the combination of circumstances that make it possible all an act of God.

Next day...I believe it was a guide, my animal guide.

Pe`ric´u`lum
n. 1. (Rom. & O.Eng. Law) Danger; risk.
2. In a narrower, judicial sense: Accident or casus, as distinguished from dolus and culpa, and hence relieving one from the duty of performing an obligation.

Ca´sus
n. 1. An event; an occurrence; an occasion; a combination of circumstances; a case; an act of God. See the Note under Accident.

Gravity

2010-02-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

It has been more than two years now since I was divorced, more than 4 since I moved out of my home which I still own with my former spouse. I will call him Don for posterity’s sake. I am still trying to come to terms with it, the death and loss of faith side by side with the gain of freedom and expression. I have been trying to sort out my grief for a long time. Trying to navigate that has been like going through the Grand Canyon or a wadi* where you can be swept away by torrential rain fall without warning. At times I wonder if my grief will ever subside. And then there is the guilt. I have finally made peace with leaving Don "wifeless", I guess that is one advance. I still have guilt over leaving Don and the children motherless when they are together and I have NO peace about my two children having to go back and forth from the father’s house to mine every 3 1/2 days being shared living in two homes. Fuck.

I was crying randomly about a week or so ago about my divorce. I have been trying to go into this sorrow and sort it out. A comment of my current companion stood out to me that I still have issues with my ex. This is obvious but it was catalyst enough to get me looking and listening within myself for more specific details.
I use lucid dreaming to my advantage when I can for creative ideas, communicating with subconscious parts and just for fun. I used it to explore this issue and saw this image of myself curled up inside of a clear cylindrical glass vase. I realized Don is the container and I can't recover. I am scared to death to let go of him, really scarred. I love you. I never really felt ok about getting divorced because I couldn’t get myself to say yes, but, I couldn’t go back and I wasn’t able to choose to leave. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer then I left. But I always had this one rule of thumb that I used that I didn’t follow that was if I couldn’t decide to do a thing or not that it meant no I wasn't ready. I also used to flip a coin with my kids a lot and I wasn't willing to do that either. I just didn’t want to go back.

I am afraid to let him go but I am gone. I left, I don't get it?

These are my thoughts.
R

*Wadi (Arabic: وادي‎ wādī; also: Vadi) is the Arabic term traditionally referring to a valley. In some cases, it may refer to a dry riverbed that contains water only during times of heavy rain or simply an intermittent stream. Wadis, cut by stream in a desert environment, generally are dry year round except after a rain. The desert environment is characterized by a sudden but infrequent heavy rainfall often resulting in flash floods. Crossing wadis at certain times of the year can be dangerous because of unexpected flash floods. Job speaks of his friends whom he calls brothers as being like these wadis. The Jewish Study Bible transliterated the word "brook" in Job 6:15 for the word "wadi". The commentator notes, "Wadi, a seasonal stream that may be dangerously overflowing in winter and dry in summer"

Unravel

2010-02-17T12:17:00.001-08:00

I have been having this series of dreams that has the same sequence repeating itself 3 or 4 times in a row with the same circumstances going on but getting more complicated and more difficult with each succession. The last one I woke up to be relieved I could get out of it was so tiring. Tiring because I couldn't get past the problem. It just kept getting more and more complicated and more threatening to my health.

The last time I had the dream with the repeating seqence there was this young man, average height, fairly slender, dark hair, quiet and intelligent. He was in the second sequence putting something together or organizing something when I walked by and noticed him. He was wearing black. I passed by him again in the fourth sequence. He was going about doing the same thing but he had on a purple suit. I wanted him to notice I had noticed him and so I said, "it is nice to see you again."

Random reading-

It felt like the end of the only love affair I had ever had and that I had lost my very soul.

Madness is the state of chaos we enter when "the center does not hold," when our instinctual foundations lose their harmonious balance. When it is effective against the potential chaos of the unconscious, self always functions as the organizing and balancing constituent of the psyche, although it may be represented by a variety of mythological images: Zeus, Tao, atman, Holy Ghost, mandalas, etc.

nu⋅mi⋅nous-adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or like a numen; spiritual or supernatural.

2. surpassing comprehension or understanding; mysterious: that element in artistic expression that remains numinous.

3. arousing one's elevated feelings of duty, honor, loyalty, etc.: a benevolent and numinous paternity. Origin: 1640–50; <>

Color, like everything else in your dream is there to heal you,to guide you, as an expression of your reaction to the subject matter of the dream.

Purple-Spiritual Leader / Teacher, Crown ChakraMeaning: Nobility of purpose, spiritual leadership, spiritual teaching, regal, power, authority in spiritual matters e.g. bishops wear purple.

Shade of purple is important. His suit was violet. Violet relates to self knowledge/ spiritual awareness. It is the union with your higher self, with spirituality, and your higher consciousness.

Violet is the highest colour in the visible spectrum. This colour is known as one of the "cool" colours. It has a very calming effect on us and is, therefore, very helpful for those people experiencing sleep difficulties or stress. However, it can be contra-indicated for those suffering from depressive disorders.

The Crown Chakra is associated with the color violet or white. We use the seventh chakra as a tool to communicate with our spiritual nature. It is through this vortice that the life force is dispersed from the universe into the lower 6 chakras. It has been referred to as our "GOD SOURCE" - but this terminology might be confusing to anyone who equates God with religious dogma, because of this I choose to call it a spiritual connection or communicator. This chakra is often pictured as a lotus flower opening to allow spiritual awakening in an individual. The crown chakra could also be considered the well intuitive knowing is drawn from.

Dreams....

2009-07-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

Each morning in the Mayan village the family members gather around the cooking hearth to begin the day with the usual warming of food and retelling of each persons dream in the night just past. By skillfully reading the family dreams every morning, a grandma or grandfather could help all the members of the compound navigate through the many dangers of this hard earth-oriented struggle for life. They may even be able to direct their families to some unseen opportunities.

It is believed there are two simultaneous faces of reality: the world where we work and the world where we dream. Shamans call these two realities the Twins. A dream is considered the remembered fragment of the experience of one's natural spirit in the twin world, the dreamworld. The twin world of dreams like this world, never ceases living, forming as it does a parallel continuum to the waking world. It actually forms one half of the substance of our lives. Although the landscape of dreams may seem different than the landscape of the awake world, it is actually the balanced opposite, reversed version, where our souls live out our bodies' lives. Dreams read life back to us like a storyteller

Like the two opposing wings of a butterfly, the dreamworld is one wing and the awake world is the other wing. The butterfly must have both wings connected at the Heart in order to fly and function.

Excerpts taken from "Secrets of the Talking Jaguar" memoirs from the living heart of a mayan village.

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Eighth Grade Graduation Ode to Naomi Jean

2009-06-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

When you were born I held you, I watched you learn to walk, and eat, yes eat! It has always been your very favorite! I put you in school at five just as most parents do, then I took you back out at six wanting you beside me for all those hours to guide your character and give you lots of space. When I decided to redirect my life it threw me a curve ball too and changed your life in unexpected ways, yet things have turned out good. It has led us to a lot of new things like this school with all these teachers that care so genuinely about you.

Naomi is a quiet, radical girl, with unexpected bursts of laughter and a steady foot. She is trustworthy, confident, outspoken and all together beguiling. As firstborn child you are characteristically independent and very individual. Your eye catching beauty and charm present from birth; you tend to these assets well and make them uniquely you. You have surprised and delighted me with your scholastic finesse, your maturity and strength. My hope is that life treats you well, with not too much pain; that your steps are wise and lead you with grace to the place of your hearts satisfaction.

Mattew 10:16 …be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. This is my prayer for you.

I Can Taste Eternity

2009-05-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

It is this overwhelming sense of love that I feel for you... This immersing rush of energy when laying with you, touching you, kissing you. Words have no meaning, only loves essence as it pours from my soul to cover you. I love you.

It is this fragility of life that touches me every now and then and takes me by surprise, when someone I love is having a momentary lose of life and is pressing close to the thin veil of time and all you have are prayers. Lucid and powerful the emotional connections - the way we share as we stand seperate in our skin. I love you.

She died in peace. I didn't know her but feel her pass. The family the vessel of her memory, motherless children, with sorrow and joy give birth to tomorrow. Always will there be the pain. The moment is right when we are thinking about you. We in our lose, feelings very powerful as we stand next to you seperate in our skin. Your hands now touching eternity. I love you.

Soul Music

2009-04-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Just when you think it can't get any worse it can... Just like when you don't expect something to come and it does or you think life can't get any weirder and it does in the middle of an ordinary day. Like wanting pie and all they have left is soup or cake. Or spending a quiet afternoon with a friend and running into the best Japanese noodle shop on the planet. I smile when I think of a recent Sunday evening when I finally made time for myself to listen to some music that a friend who lives in California alerted me to that was showing in St. Paul. How out of the ordinary is that? So we went, my boyfriend and I, to listen to a very uncommon duo of a woman and a daughter/son as he calls himself, we listened to their music journey. She plays the bass and makes fun of us and makes light of things. He tells of his past and plays guitar singing in the most haunting voice regarding hard choices and recently becoming a man. She makes a beautiful man I say to my boyfriend. They harmonize on a creative alchemical level, journeying by soul there. Their songs containing messages of the heart about grief, the question of acceptance, suffering, change, making peace and love. Their music is this metaphysical union of their geniuses that carries like the sound of angels. What they are playing is not just music, it is the embodiment of who they are.

Oaxaca

2009-04-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

After 10 days of traveling, 240 hours of breathing and not thinking about anything but the sensations that surrounded me I reached my soul. My body lean from not eating much and awakened from the sun, walking and swimming I perceived the energy of the location rise above the ground around me like water swelling. It was as if I could see it, this psychic energy roaring about my legs in great waves. I could enter in and out of other peoples bodies and be them, feel their spirit and feel what they were experiencing. It was amazing and somewhat shocking. Then that day came to an end and I left those people. And the next day had to go back to the states, back to the city, back to the responsibilities of my domestic life and happily back to my lover. I do not want to let go of this awareness inside of me. It's something you can't ask to happen but become aware of in certain places with certain people or sometimes alone if the senses are willing. With this trip I commit myself to the wilder parts of me and my creative work.

Her Secrets

2009-02-23T12:56:00.001-08:00

I was talking to a women one morning, while she was weeping and gasping for air, the life had gone out of her marriage because of a departure inside her lovers heart. She was lost without his solace. She started unlacing her shoes, she was going to take him off and leave with her heart.

There were discovered secret talks with too much meaning somewhere between the waters and the shore. The one had spoken them the other one had discovered and she was given a name.

I was talking to a women one morning, while she was weeping and gasping for air. Her man was talking to too. His story was the same but he wants me not to tell, about the women between the water and the shore. I hope they come to terms, I hope she never asks again what I may have to tell.

Today I Wear My Smile

2009-01-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

Waking tired I’m dead a sleep, I do not want to move.
Move I do, I wash my face with vanquished energy.
My clothes look worn and old they’re used
but purchase I cannot.
I think and I can change this style,
I can wear my smile.

With make up on and hair brushed back
I take my coat and coffee.
To drive as every other morn, down this forsaken highway!
But speak with loving thoughts and cheer
to heart and mind and soul
The hurdles melt along the way
I choose to smile not mutter.

Good Grief

2008-12-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

"Any feeling of bleakness gives you the chance to look (even if starkly) at what is real in our lives. What do you value? What do you hold dear? Are your actions reflecting those values? And what can you do to make it so?"

What do I value and how are my actions reflecting those values? I am not sure really...

I find myself in this place of grief attached to the life I had. One that was the only one I planned for, all of my values were centered around this commitment, my belief, values, identity, reality and daily tasks. I grieve for the relationship that was less than I needed intimately but satisfying in the most complete way. As I try to seperate I find there is a duality with me. The one with my former life and the one I am living. A new one being born on the inside of me while the old one carries on all around me. This sounds like a painting.

"Look for the openings, the cracks, that will lead you to a new and even more fantastic way of being, because that is what this change is really all about. Life is intended to bring and show you joy."

confirm
Etymology:
Middle English, from Anglo-French cunfermer, from Latin confirmare, from com- + firmare to make firm, from firmus firm.
Date: 13th century
1 : to give approval to : ratify 2 : to make firm or firmer : strengthen 3 : to administer the rite of confirmation to 4 : to give new assurance of the validity of : remove doubt about by authoritative act or indisputable fact synonyms confirm , corroborate , substantiate , verify , authenticate , validate mean to attest to the truth or validity of something. confirm implies the removing of doubts by an authoritative statement or indisputable fact.

Ruminating

2008-12-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

I walk astride a path of choice
while trying not
to step
in quicksand or into the light.
And blythely straddle across
the casm of pain
squeeze past loss
stepping over hope
in between hate
desparation
conviction
love
and abject derision.
I choose not to decide.

Mid-life Soul

2008-10-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

...it is a time to incorporate the opposite polarity, whatever that might be. ~Carl Jung

The word 'crisis' is derived from the Greek word krino and means "to decide".

In Jungian terms, this urge to break from old routines is really an outward expression of the "separation from the youthful persona". This is the shift from a persona-orientation to a Self-orientation, and according to Stein, is "critical for the individuation process as a whole, because it is the change by which a person sheds layers of familial and cultural influence and attains to some degree of uniqueness in his [her] appropriation of internal and external facts and influences". This can only be done if one is prepared to let go of one's youthful identity.

WTF! Those are good chaos words... So I'm taking a walk today, and realize I've unleashed myself from everything except my children who I hold somewhat at bay so as not to taint their tender minds. I have left my marriage of 18 years, my faith of more thatn 20 years, and many good friends in this change. Having cast off all of those defining anchors I am left to drink, unceremoniously of course, and I walk in this avid loss. So I walk and decide to just listen to the sounds around me which are crickets and frogs and various other bugs which brings rest momentarily to my thought riddled mind. I wonder about how long this transitoriness will go on? But then I stop thinking and just breathe for a moment.

Grasshopper

2008-09-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

I walked out to my car last week to go to lunch and noticed a very large grasshopper on the ground near my car tire. It's body was a soft greenish grey. It's legs were covered in moss green and grey stripes. A very worthy grasshopper. I tried to nudge it away from my tire so as not to squish it when leaving then I noticed a second grasshopper! Twice as lovely as the first and even larger. This one was soft grey with grey and dusty pink stripes on it's legs, something I had not seen before. So I stooped and looked at these two delicate creatures for a brief time and wondered at their visiting me.

Needing all the optomism I can get these days I looked up the symbolic meanings for grasshopper to enliven meaning this day. God Bless this meaning.

Among the Chinese, the grasshopper came to symbolize flourishing descendants and hence abundance as well.

In ancient Greece, the nobility wore golden grasshoppers in their hair, possibly because the grasshopper's fertility made it a symbol of abundance. The grasshopper's song during the day and its silence during the night made it an attribute of Apollo the sun god and the kind of friend or helper who makes a lot of noise but disappears when help is needed. In China, the grasshopper paired with a chrysanthemum indicated high office. For Christians, the locust became another symbol of Christ's resurrection or rebirth because it sheds its carapace. St. John the Baptist came eating locusts and wild honey as was permitted by Levitical law (Lev 11:22; Mt 3:4; Mk 1:6).

Joseph Campbell said, We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

The Flaming Grasshopper, a blog for the Chelsea Green publishing company (specializing in sustainable living), describes the grasshopper as representing potent life energy contained in a small “insignificant” exoskeletal package, capable of covering great distances in a single leap. It is also an ancient symbol of good luck.

This website was the best part of my find.

Renee'

Belief

2008-07-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

The soul of the tree appeared plainly.

It felt like I was looking through three dimensions: my own, through that of the nights and the physical manifestation of the tree in its divine force. I came upon it unexpectedly. I have never granted nature a "spirit" but rather a vigorous inanimate life force with instinctive rythms and cycles. The funny thing is I had the honest sense that the tree hadn't anticipated my seeing soul and was laughing and howling in the night wind before me. I saw it's face.

I sat in my car briefly upon shutting it off, wanting to listen a while longer to a song on the radio, when my eyes came to rest on this roaring movement. It might have been the wind, it might have been the light, it might have been what MY mind can see through my eyes, but, the moment I identified the fact I was looking at the soul of this tree it was as if it instantly retracted itself up from eyes and seeing heart, as if it felt the whisper of my words and reduced the appearance of it's energy back to that of only natural elements. I sat waiting quietly looking at the tree for some time, for the roaring laughter, but did not see again the display of life I had seen just minutes before. Last night the soul of a tree appeared plainly.

2008-07-03T11:45:00.001-07:00

Father’s Day Poem
6/15/08

Father

Some of your teeth still scare me
like glass in sand
that cannot be seen until
piercing flesh and sole
in jagged line

The sand is extraordinary still
light and heat bubbling up
I extend my foot in stride
to push with heals exposed
my weight into the ground
and bear with prick of pain and blood
each step
with swollen sole and smile

With soft eyes and flowing mane
you conceal the teeth of old age
your opinions like stone
some large and some like pebbles
they drive scrape and heal
pit and tousle too

I love you like the summer
And seek you like the sun
Your words they sometimes scare me
Like running on the beach playing
finding glass in sand

"Breathe Some More"

2008-06-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw a man. Someone I knew and didn't know all together. There was this psychic awareness throughout the encounter unlike I've ever known prior to or engaged in so cognitively. I was having this heightened awareness and was wondering if it was occurring within him simultaneously. My soul was fully surfaced in full dialogue. There was no fear or aversion or expectation, only contact, only presence. I observed, I listened and challenged his thought and spoke my truth too. There was this amazing dynamic and crystal clear perception of every moment, like having an existential experience while in meditation but in a bar in the city at 1:00 a.m. I felt like I was inside of his person. I could understand his expression as he spoke like it was coming from me and I was able equally to divide the truth. As I sat there saturated in the awareness of him I experienced for the first time as a grown woman my psychic ability. I realized that this was a rare glimpse into my gift, one I had known as a child. For that short time I was psychically connected, in perfect perception and fully open. Tonight I am in bed writing this experience down for you.

Renee'

Dividing the Truth

2008-06-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

Descent...

Wild honey...

Drought is a time when old tensions surface and chronic afflictions feel worse. It is a time to redress the balance between the people and their place in the world through communion with the unseen beings of the Otherworld, -"Maya Cosmos"

Paradox
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin paradoxum, from Greek paradoxon, from neuter of paradoxos contrary to expectation, from para- + dokein to think, seem — more at decent
Date: 1540

I Breathe

2008-04-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

I saw a shaman on television this morning. I have been drawn to these people with awe and suspicion for many years being raised within a fundamental western faith. This morning was much like luck, being prepared when the opportunity presents itself and all of my thoughts came into alignment. My faith, the things I have come to believe as real, my sense of understanding of the world and the evidence of my higher awareness seeking what I need were all activated at once as I stood in my underwear sipping coffee. I watched as a small native man used his voice as medicine and creating energy vibrations. He used words to affect varying levels of consciousness He moved his hands over the afflicted woman's body in order to adjust her energy and he collected and disposed of that unwanted matter which he had used the palm of his hands to draw out. There is no doubt belief in the existence of a higher power being exercised within indigenous tribes, which for me is the existence of God, in which he exercised faith. I saw the shaman combining many applications of energy healing I have come to be aware of. What is I saw him do I realized is keenly ours. Our innate ability to heal and therefore transform and exorcise what's ill, in mind, body and soul. I have been seeking this an answer for years about how to accept what is shamanic. These are acts of healing through faith. Manipulating energy, biorhythms, circulation, breath and thought. They do this "because" they believe even without all the scientific evidence we have at hand. Their mind and spirit knows.

How then, therefore, can we judge what course of treatment is more highly esteemed when seeking to be healed? The exercise of consciousness and a non-judgemental approach is needed. Is it not the quest for life that drives all down paths of healing?

Supplant

2008-04-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I still wonder if I my choice was in vain. I remember myself thinking so many times my own rules for indecision. One was if I couldn't make a decision then the answer is no. If I can't decide, it's no for now. Another was to flip a coin. I never could do it regarding one certain roadblock of indecision, I was sure the coin would come up heads if I had said heads and I'd have to return to what I had fled from. I was sure it would tell me go home. So why wouldn't I exercise my simple personal guidelines. I couldn't decide to leave and I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to flip the coin and see it say hey see, here's what you wanted to know, here you go, now move back home. I would not again receive the bridle.

Everyday I flash to a little something here or there about my choice. Today it was about the fact that I had given up the relationship I know could have succeeded in remaining married until death. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. It was never boring it was present. We were always yanking at each other, yammering, poking fun and rubbing each other the wrong way. Mostly me getting rubbed the wrong way. My spouse doing all the yanking, yammering and poking.

So what is this supplanting, what am I supplanting. A different way. A fuller expression of me for the cornered static bound one. IT IS SOOOOO, SOOOOOO, VERY PAINFUL! As I see more clearly, I recognize the fact that I have created a position of absolute opposition to the way I had agreed and been promised too.

I did flip the coin. It was 5 months after the divorce and it did come up heads like I said but maybe I finally willed it to do that with all my own anguish. I guess I did make the decision because I did leave and now am akin to the persuasion of my own mind to rest and wait.

Supplant
Function: verb
Text: to take the place of — see replace 1

Didactic

2008-03-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

"Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

In the book "Infidel" Ayaan Hirsi Ali confronts the reality of her own experience as a Muslim woman. She is faced with the unequal treatment of women and the "absolute" didactic in the teachings of the Quran. In her book she states, "Humans themselves are the source of good and evil... We must think for ourselves; we are responsible for our own morality. I arrived at the conclusion that I couldn't be honest with others unless I was honest with myself. I wanted to comply with the goals of religion, which are to be a better and more generous person, without suppressing my will and forcing it to obey inhuman rules. I would no longer lie, to myself or others. I had enough of lying. I was no longer afraid of the Hereafter." Quite a brazen statement for any kind of believer.

It stopped me in my tracks! "I would no longer lie, to myself or others." I find I am choosing this same thing, starting with myself. It is unleashing both fear and a new sense of reality. I haven't fully reached the layer of others because I am not yet sure of how I believe or what I believe like being in the middle of a lake treading water. I don't have too intense a fear or guilt about this anymore but this change of faith has created a lot of unrest in me, some loss but gain in all as experience creates growth. I think and choose for myself now. I make peace.

She illustrates further how Muslim women are still walking about veiled even though they were living in Holland and how "Islam was like a mental cage". She gives a painful illustration and writes, "At first, when you open the door, the caged bird stays inside: it is frightened. It has internalized its imprisonment. It takes time for the bird to escape, even after someone has opened the doors to its cage." I find this to be true for a great many things, this kind of internalized imprisonment. We choose beliefs of all kinds to live by thereby creating a system of thoughts to live by and then ultimately embody. Is it not then very, very important to review what you believe about yourself and God?

When I say stuff like this I get scared because of "what" I am questioning because of my upbringing. The scared part is the indefinition of things now, where I have made room for "my" self, at the expense of my belief.

I stepped away from God because I couldn't believe anymore in what I was saying, or my role as a christian wife, so I stopped. I started unwrapping the anger I contained inside after saying all those things to myself, all those years, so to be what I thought correct. God was never unloving, it was just that I found life on this earth to be less than sacrosanct so began acting on what I felt rather than what I thought. It really wasn't Gods fault I had no more faith to believe or to pray. I just didn't believe things were ever going to be any different than they were in certain area's of my relationship and I still don't. People are who they are and some things just never change. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you think...

So after my separation I faced the question of unlawful sex!! After being sexually active in marriage for 16 years was I to wait to be married again in order not to be immoral? Did I have to get married to qualify for the right to have sex? What if I didn't want to get married again? Was I never to have sex again? Most of this I've pondered on my own occasionally asking questions of God but finding no answers because the questions seemed inappropriate. So I figured I could have sex or go to hell so I decided for sex and against hell. I can hardly believe what I'm saying. And why do I think so much?!? Mmmm... This is part of my mental cage. I still think of Jesus and haven't quiet decided how I fit into that picture. He's been a great teacher of mine.

Didactic

Etymology: Greek didaktikos, from didaskein to teach
Date: 1658
1 a: designed or intended to teach b: intended to convey instruction and information as well as pleasure and entertainment 2: making moral observations.

Itinerant

2008-03-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Itinerant
Etymology:
Late Latin itinerant-, itinerans, present participle of itinerari to journey, from Latin itiner-, iter journey, way; akin to Hittite itar way, Latin ire to go — more at issue

: traveling from place to place; especially : covering a circuit
Date:
circa 1576

This word so describes me on so many levels. Physically, mentally, spiritually, romantically, everything is enroute to another destination. If it were any more swift or grueling I would have to decline. It's meaning and timbre is completely unfamiliar, uncommon to my people, my family, myself. My chaplain/counselor helps me to understand that this is a place I did not ask for but arrived at. Life has brought these questions to me. Their candor uncovers and embarrasses me in this present place. How could I be so unhappy and call it the truth simultaneously. I reflect some years back to a family camp we attended with our church. SSSOOOOO UNhappy was me. I remember at that time being under so much personal marital duress I was grasping and clawing at anything just to find peace. I remember finding some narrow space between mind and life encounters were I wasn't thinking. It was in this narrow spiritual place I thought if only I can stay in this narrow space, between my pain and what I am and what Christianity tells me to be I will be able to maintain my marriage. I produced a painting illustrating this called "The Narrow Gate." I tried to make the title mean more than what I felt to be aspiring to Christianity. The title somehow mimicked some scripture in order to further validate the concept but all it really was, was the space in which I could find a place of peace in my marriage as a christian that was nearly impossible to reach or sustain. It was sheer mental space between my ears. Quiet space. As I expressed it further at a public gathering at family camp I described it as having hope because I knew that someday it would be over and I would be away and in heaven. I was shunned for having wept opennly exposing my grief and told to get anti-depressants. My husband was embarrassed. Maybe I was going to lose it anyway.

What the F. I find it maddening and all sort of weird and programmed the further away I go. In principal it's good but distorted in reality. Huminahumina...

Still sad in some way not sure why from day to day so many issues have erupted for me. Things I have to identify and show respect for within myself in order to regain my livelyhood. What does it matter anyway. I left out of respect for you and I left out of respect for me. Now I have to sort and reapproach what I think about these things I have chosen and left.

Renee'

All the Miles

2008-03-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

I had a small life exonerating personal revealation yesterday. I was driving my car down the long stretch of road to work yesterday and said, "How about you quit blaming yourself for everything you did." After all there was more than just me in the relationship. There's "you and me", there's the us in we. This really lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I have been trampling myself for months now. It sort of set me free.

As I continued in this frame of thought today I reviewed my accomplishments rather than this grand looming failure, and realized I've satisfied alot of my desires and dreams as an individual. The relationship is a 20 year success in acceptance, motivation, committment, redemption and love. The fact that I left the relationship is it's own piece, not meant to reflect upon and tarnish all those years of committment. It's a part of my life.

Reform

2008-03-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

When considering my overridding guilt about leaving my spouse; my inability to qualify myself in making this decision, the word "reform" rises up in me. I/my mind needs reform. My soul has closed to the intimate union. ...I lament the loss of our unity & our adventures at the cost of my inherent need to be known.

Carried in my role, every moment I was keeping
but in it was aware there was something sad and sleeping.
My yellow hair kept tied in a ribbon 'neath a bow
and all the whilst was running from derision to and fro.
My cumbersome desires growing deeper by the minute
I untied the vile habit drawing colors from my closet.
He chided my emmisions, belittled all my fears,
colored me with choices drawing nothing from my ears.
With wings extended wide the words were driven home,
there aren't any pennies in the river on the moon.
My mind it's smile abating, being driven by the scorn
was itself a tethered horse 'neath the leather all was torn.

Quiet eyes. Quiet will. Quiet ways I know you.
No words convey your meaning to his mind sullied by his thought.
Chilly transmission no measures no timbre.
I give up. I am covered in night.
I die waking basking in the deep.

Measured somber half sleep waiting, laying beside cool waters...
Tell me something I say my heart like a stone,
"Lone cold crime drowned deep mourning slather".
I am alone in this chasm of thought, while echoes hollow deep.
I find no answers here but know I cannot return from where I have been.
There are no road posts, only space as I stare into this pain...
Why must I choose, your life or mine.

sully

: to make soiled or tarnished : defile

abating

1 a: to put an end to b: nullify 1 2 a: to reduce in degree or intensity : moderate b: to reduce in value or amount : make less especially by way of relief 3: deduct, omit 4 a: to beat down or cut away so as to leave a figure in relief obsolete : blunt5: deprive 2intransitive verb1: to decrease in force or intensity2 a: to become defeated or become null or void b: to decrease in amount or value
— abat·er noun

derision

1 a: the use of ridicule or scorn to show contempt b: a state of being derided2: an object of ridicule or scorn

reform

1 a: to put or change into an improved form or condition

b: to amend or improve by change of form or removal of faults or abuses

2: to put an end to (an evil) by enforcing or introducing a better method or course of action

3: to induce or cause to abandon evil ways

4 a: to subject (hydrocarbons) to cracking b: to produce (as gasoline or gas) by crackingintransitive verb: to become changed for the better

Waiting...

2008-03-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

lonely, strangled,
imbedded in you
cajoling, laughing, covered in love
color, sinter, bloody at times
ginger, splendor and all the while waiting
for the slumber of winter and mourning to end
the waiting and wandering 'round you babe.

death

2008-02-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

Death chose itself today for me to springboard from and I am a strong believer in intuition and the interconnectedness of things, so I accepted death. In accepting and stepping in, I allow space for emissions. Being such a frightening word I could make a personal selection that is more subtle; more settled and acceptable. But this proposition for communications is from an other source. Here is the interconnection. Ordinarily we refer to these emanations as extrasensory or as signs; feelings or infractions of a larger thing. This is just the beginning, the ordinary, the initiation of purpose and meaning. This in reality is a few steps back from the threshold of interconnection. What is required is for the mind of an individual to let go and let the being enter the idea or sensation walk further on to where things undefined begin. One must be willing to engage the half sleep, underworld, where the light is dim, the air has taste and the body glows as in the illumination of a dream. La Duende. When you go below the surface it requires death. A death to your topical, tactile, tenacious application of life because the things you will hear in this underworld will change the things you have been told to believe.

The prose written here following was a reflection on the annoyance of excessive talkativeness
where the incremental details of the surface become foolishness and boisterous full of triviality and coyishness.

One fragment of thought I strain for while drowning your words.

Interesting in the most dismissing way are you unto yourself.

Largely in love and in 'look' with your life in all your flattering charm.
Not remotely interested in me you speak only of yourself.

'Who are you?' you never ask, your self engagement is so high.

I press my thought over your mouth with force simply to breathe for a moment
whatever it is of mine of yours I might share.

You pluck it away again lickety split, speaking only of yourself.
and all the while flirting you go on and on and on.

I grow weary while deflecting all of your speaking and push again
my soul into your words to share a bit of air in the exchange.

When you finally listen your eyes open wide
and your mouth finally shuts because the things I say are not only words
but have meaning.

And my words won't lie to you.

Just past the heart, go beyond the eyes, round the corner of faith to the interior dark hall where you were left naked. The place of disillusionment, torment, bad smells, hind quarters. The last place that you lived and died. Identify terror wrap your arms around it and lie no more. You must never lie about who you are. You need not tell the secret but you will never lie about the truth. Deeper you must go, deeper still to retrieve the lost... and what has been lost.

I guess I'm writing to say I love you to the silence. Hello to dark corners and why are the corners so dark and the upper world so bright. These words are the light that come to dark places; to thoughts under ridden, places no one smells, when sometimes I wonder where to go.

Just past the heart, go beyond the eyes, round the corner of belief into the dark hall where I breathe and rest in peace.

reticent

2008-02-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

Merriam Websters thesaurus writes this about being reticent;

1-given to keeping one's activities hidden from public observation or knowledge — see secretive 2 tending not to speak frequently (as by habit or inclination) — see silent 2

This word enters my mind today as I continue to wrestle with all of the things I've decided to change and all of the things that have decided to change me. I keep faltering, never thinking I am in the right place wondering what is going to happen to keep me from being happy next because of my decisions.

Fear is the motivating force. Fear is a negative factor not a positive. One to be recognized for sure but not to be driven by. I let it creep into my conciousness and hide my day from belief.

In the word reticent I read the reference to secretive. This word is uncomfortable.

I have chosen to leave my husband. A belief I did not hold until the day I decided to leave. Like a twister that came and tore off the top of my shed; or my head and blew everything out into a pile to sort through. Funny this choice of words should come fleeting, meandering crost my mind. This theme for me, this twister.

Once I visualized my pain, the circumstances of my separation and I saw myself walking across a landscape. At some point I came to the edge of this place I was walking, then stepped off. I fell for many, many feet to the ground that seized up to meet me. There buried in the soil in my vision I saw myself emerging, my body glowing from the inside out. I emerged anew. But the twister kept spinning on my shoulder and kept me pinned to the ground. I couldn't move. What is this image; what keeps me pinned in place? Why am I still living?

Why do I not celebrate this departure and agree with my heart and mind . Why do I reject and doubt the thing I pushed myself into knowing and the thing I forced myself to do, knowing it was immenent to my survival? Reticent; why am I reticent about the thing I now know and believe to be true? It is fear that keeps me inert. I am in fear of my own truth.

Honesty is a hard companion but a satisfying lover. Another page.

Renee'

Every days daze...

2008-02-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

It's my first blog and I love to write. Can hardly wait to get this thing rolling.
I'm so far outside of mylife right now I'm trying to ride up along side myself and see if I need anything. Not so far, getting up along side myself that is. Maybe it's better if I don't. What I really want to do is go to bed for one long night sleep. More for me tomorrow. Ciao!

Daily Bread

My Upcoming Year

William Blake TarotAce of Poetry (Inspiration)

A Happy Ending

A Visit From My Warrior Archtype

Artist/Self

Symbolic Guidance

Standing Still

INSIGHTS

Binding Ties

Obedient Daughter

Turning Point

Immigrant

Time

Sugar and Money

What do I believe?

Expect Wonderful: letting go.

Periculum

Gravity

Unravel

Dreams....

Eighth Grade Graduation Ode to Naomi Jean

I Can Taste Eternity

Soul Music

Oaxaca

Her Secrets

Today I Wear My Smile

Good Grief

Ruminating

Mid-life Soul

Grasshopper

Belief

"Breathe Some More"

Dividing the Truth

I Breathe

Supplant

Didactic

Itinerant

All the Miles

Reform

Waiting...

death

reticent

Every days daze...

William Blake Tarot
Ace of Poetry (Inspiration)